Call Me Silvie I
In keeping with the Leslie Nielsen "feel" to some of my concepts, this story combines Treasure Island with the Naked Gun and a trace of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

It's set in Jolly Olde Englande, when Jolly Rogering was all the rage and pirates sailed the ... three, four, five, six, ... Seven Seas in search of booty and looty ... I mean loot.  And women's clothes.

As we all know, pirates love being on the Hi C, but the sugar tends to rot their teeth...

In this retelling of Treasure Island, we learn that "Long Johns" Silver has a penchant for dressing up in ladies' clothes and young Jim's real name is actually Rumblestiltskin James Ladd, but he hates being nicknamed Crumpledforeskin at school, so he prefers to be called R. Jim Ladd - so now you know...

On the good ship Marie Celeste we see that among the shivering timbers, vast "thars", ahoy me hearties, spliced mainbraces, b'ain't 'e be frits and vigorous polishing of cutlasses, there lies a tale of tall ships and short women (who usually turn out to be stocky men in skirts - and we don't mean the Queen's Own Highlanders), of skulls being duggered, and small buoys being tossed overboard at the slightest provocation.  (Pronounce "buoys" the English way and you'll get the joke...)

You'll see why swinging the lead can get you keelhauled and how a tot of the rum can give you rot of the tum, which usually means that when you're not letting go for'ard you're letting go aft - and with a vengeance.

As "Long Johns" Silver succinctly puts it: "Tell me, which leg goes with this dress?"

Call Me Silvie II
Alternatively titled "Îsle de Trésor", Call Me Silvie II came about when I had a sudden and very vivid vision of Woody Allen in the lead role - that of Rumblestiltskin James Ladd.

I've never seen Woody Allen do a pirate movie, and I think that his style of wimpish comedy is exactly the right contrast for the growling, spitting, menacing toughies that purport to be pirates in Hollywood.

Last updated: October 10, 2002

Peter Brooks

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